This is my entry for the "Face your Monster" Contest.
Some of you might say: "Hey! That's no monster!" for those of you: Let me explain my thoughts.
When I heard the title I wasn't particularly thinking of a cliche monster, but rather the inner beast. Facing your fears, sins and evil sides.
This project was something I had in mind for a while and so I decided to morph it especially for this:
One of my biggest sins is vanity.
In this society a girl is judged by experience. Sure "Don't judge a book by it's cover" is a great thing to live by, but if we face it we see that hardly anyone obeys that rule.
So that is a lot of pressure on someone, especially when they aren't all too popular to begin with.
Then I am a cosplayer. And it's all about looks when you Cosplay. You have to portrait a character very detailed, look good with photoshoots and all that stuff.
There are a lot of critic people watching you, judging you...
And it's hard to not feel insecure about parts of yourself if you are putting yourself out there. Especially on the internet.
And since I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of that sin, to face my fear of being ugly and unattractive in the mind of others I chose to do a look in which I am defeated by that very wish for perfection.
The dramatic eye makeup and the bright red lipstick are supposed to be signs of "perfection" of overdoing beauty in a way that makes it twist.
That is where the other stuff comes in:
The tears and smeared lipstick are something to show how hard it is to be perfect, how distressed it makes people to look pretty.
The patch on my chest is a symbol of how bad it hurts to be left out. It's easier to rip your heart out and be a soulless doll, then to stand up for imperfection and character.
The cuts and bruises are signs of bullying brought to light. I used to just listen to what they say and wave it of: "Ugly bitch" "Fat she-man" and things like that kept on coming at me, but I simply smiled and acted as if it were nothing, like many others do as well.
Now lastly the eye:
There are many different aspects reflected in that:
First of course: distortion and goryness that is in fact supposed to make you feel sick to the stomach. It's supposed to be ugly and compelling to see, since it's an aftereffect of "beauty gone wrong".
Another aspect was taking the view. If you feel ugly you don't want to see yourself, gauge your eyes out, never see again. This is just a well dramatized version of that.
Lastly: The expression.
I chose this crazed smile and tears to underline how paradox this feeling and need of perfection is.
The smile is too wide, the eyes too wide.
Everything screams wrong.
And that is exactly what that striving for perfection is: wrong.
I have lost a lot of weight simply by not really eating anything, I am ashamed of working in the beauty industry, because I feel I am not pretty enough for those people to employ me and I think I will never be loved because I am a compelling, ugly bitch.
That is what "perfection" in media makes me think I am.
I know it's not right and that I don't look like a monster, but I can't help but wonder which part of me is more compelling.
The me as I look now or the me I strive to look like.